you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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