Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
