if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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