Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
