he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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