I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
