I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
