wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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