Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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