You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
