I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I need moral support for this bender
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
