I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
