So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
