i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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