well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
