I cannot find my penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
