We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
