Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
