I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
