She said her name was "party"
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
