Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
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