I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
