i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
