i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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