I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
