do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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