I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
