god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
