i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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