dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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