honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize