I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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