that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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