Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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