he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
