i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
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