mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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