Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
