Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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