So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
