Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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