I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
