I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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