It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
