Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
