After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
