It's Friday. Sex?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
