Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize