Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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