i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
