i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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