I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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