i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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