So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
