But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
