I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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