I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
