You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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