I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize