it wasn't lemon gatorade
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
