i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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