Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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