I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
