You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
