so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
